Hi, I’m Hollee. I am an incoming freshman this year. I’m an only child, and I am an outgoing person. But I do think of myself as a survivor. This is my story. Depression and suicide are very serious concepts that do often lead to death. I fought a war. It was me, against… me. My body shows it all, from my wrists to my ankles to my thighs. My battle wounds are my scars. Scars from burning, cutting, sticking needles in myself, and scratching at myself until I bled. I’m going to start off by saying that I am not the typical girl you would expect to have depression. I have lots of friends, a caring family, a lot of money, and a perfect neighborhood. But me? I am a disgrace to that. I am so thankful I have it all. I might as well just start story telling. When I was 11, I was not the prettiest girl. I got called the worst names. Rumors broke out across the whole town. I was the “whore”. The truth was, I had only kissed a boy once. It hurt, oh I remember the nights a spent crying alone in my room. I met my 2 best friends, Hanna and Madi that year. They are my reason to live. Then, Middle School came. The rumors only got worse. I fell in love with a guy named Dylan. I have NEVER, in my entire life, loved a guy as much as him. He told me he liked me. Walked me to my locker, cuddled with me, hung out with me, it was great. But then, one day, when I was ready to go out with him, he asked out Julie. That was one of the hardest days of my life. I felt so stupid. Once again, I took it all out on myself. I remember coming to school the next day with 78 new cuts on my sin. 78. I still have not gotten over him. It’s been over a year. But I have moved on to other people. I am totally capable. But he was my first love, and the feelings will never leave. I recovered. One day, June 6th, 2011, I was cutting. Right in the middle of it, something happened. I don’t know what it was, but it changed my life forever. I thought to myself, “Hollee, what the FUCK are you doing to yourself? Stop it, you are so much better than this.” And that was truely the last day I ever self-harmed. It has almost been a year now. No one is perfect. I am happy now, and I have my flaws. But you know what? I love them. Remember how I said no one’s perfect? Well if they are, just remember that they are cold, hard, shiny plastic.
I think it’s time to add onto this. This year, I met someone new. Today is July 21st, 2012. But her name is Christina. As of today, I am starting to feel depressed again. Christina, I love you. The other day I was in a fight with Hanna and Madi. She looked at me and said, “I like your personality and I don’t want you to change, that’s why I hang out with you.” I know she will always be there for me. We share countless laughs and have countless memories already even though she moved here from Texas a year ago. But those words made me feel that I won’t be alone through the hardest times, and I can’t thank her enough.
For anyone that I know, goes to my school, lives in my town. What happens on tumblr stays on tumblr. By judging someone or spreading secrets that are not your own, you must be pathetic because THIS^ is what happens because of people like you. So if I do know you, may I please ask that you do not spread my story because it was written for people whom I do not know personally to learn from, to not make my mistakes. Thank you.
8/18/12
Fuck you Dylan, fuck you for using me.
8/21/2012
I found someone. Please. Please. Please just make this work out this time. He’s all I ever think about now and he makes me so happy. Me and Madi are falling apart. But right now he’s kind of holding me together, keeping me from the sad thoughts. Right now, he’s one of the only reasons I’m feeling happy. Please stay. I need you.
9/20/12
My depression is back, full blown.
I’ve overdosed 3 times in 4 weeks
And you fucking left.^
10/18
I started burning and I cut yesterday. I go to therapy now, I just want to be diagnosed. oh and fuck off aidan
11/4
Diagnosed with Depression, Adjustment Disorder, and Anxiety.
